Let Them Be Confused

On living between worlds, choosing yourself, and embracing being misunderstood.

Enigma: a person or thing that is mysterious, puzzling, or difficult to understand.

At some level, all humans are complex and contain multitudes. We all have layers, stories, experiences, and internal worlds no one else sees. But I have very much felt like an enigma in my life and that contrast only sharpened when I got sober.

When I quit drinking at 23, people genuinely did not know what to do with me. I got so many comments, from so many people.

“You don’t have a problem.”
“But you’re so fun!!”
“You’ll grow out of it eventually.”

It was as if the idea of a young, blonde, recent graduate of a Midwest party school choosing sobriety on purpose broke people’s brains. Like, surely I couldn’t possibly mean it?? But deep down, I KNEW my drinking was a problem and I had to quit. This was the first moment I realized: what people saw on the outside had absolutely nothing to do with what was happening inside of me. That mismatch was the beginning of understanding myself as an enigma.

As my sobriety deepened, so did my spirituality. I started exploring different traditions and teachings (so many rabbit holes… and I’m sure there are many posts in my future about all the paths I’ve gone down, but saving that for another time!!) and learned more about astrology, my Sagittarius Sun & Aquarius Rising, which explained so much. Outgoing, future-facing, ahead of my time, deeply philosophical, never quite inside the lines of my very traditional Catholic upbringing. Add sobriety and a corporate career on top of that, and we’re just… everywhere!! Again: enigma.

What I’ve learned is to embrace the contradictions! Because honestly, that’s what makes life fun. Why flatten yourself for other people’s comfort? Why choose “one lane” when you can be a woman who contains multitudes?

One contradiction people cannot seem to wrap their heads around: that I’m a sober person who LOVES a night out. I mean LOVES. I’m talking: raging music, a dark nightclub, dancing alone in the crowd, losing myself in the vibe and energy (all WITHOUT drugs or alcohol). Not every weekend, but a few times a year? YES. I am absolutely in my element. (Seriously – friends, acquaintances, networking contacts, strangers… cannot fathom this).

Part of this is because I’m a true extrovert – other people’s energy literally charges me. But it’s also because over the years, I’ve learned how to manage my energy as a sober extrovert who travels constantly and does a ton of events. That took a long time and a LOT of grounding practices (another post for another time).

What’s always hilarious is when people meet me after the fact and discover I’m sober. They just assume I must’ve been drinking all night because of how I look or the vibe I give off. And the cognitive dissonance of “wait… you’re sober AND you were raging??” is always elite. Yes. This is what I mean by enigma.

And speaking of contradictions… last year I had one of the most “only Helena” back-to-back experiences of my life.

I was in Las Vegas for work in March and had the opportunity to go to Mexico to join my friend Gertrude Lyons on her Spring Equinox retreat (check her out on Substack) to hike a sacred Mayan cave, where on the Spring Equinox the sun aligns perfectly with the cave’s opening. This ancient-mystical-spiritual kind of thing is my superbowl.

I knew we were planning a big night out in Vegas on the final night (celebrating the end of a chapter at that company), and I also knew that in order to catch the Equinox alignment, I would have to take a super early flight straight to MX. Most people would say I was insane, but IDC. I wanted both. I live for this type of stuff.

So after pulling an all-nighter, I hopped on a plane to Mexico and joined a group of women for the hike up to the cave.

Something interesting happens when you live aligned with your own energy: transitions between worlds become effortless. I landed in Mexico, cleansed myself of the nightclub energy, and immediately shifted into mother-earth-spiritual mode. I thought I’d be exhausted, but those are honestly just stories we tell ourselves. Our bodies are capable of so much more when our minds aren’t in the way.

I was more energized than ever. I remember basically SPRINTING up the trail to the cave. Was it the Equinox energy? The high from the night out? Who knows. But what I do know is that when you’re living in alignment with yourself – allowing your curiosity, joy, and desires to flow into real life – you can tap into parts of yourself you didn’t know existed. That’s what that moment felt like. Like I accessed a higher realm of who I am.

To me, this isn’t a contradiction. It’s the truth of who I am.

I love my work life. I love going out, laughing, connecting, and being in the energy of people. And I love sitting in silence on ancient rock, meditating on a spiritually charged Equinox day.

It’s more limiting to choose one identity or force yourself into a box that makes sense to other people. And honestly… where is the fun in that?!?

As humans, we naturally simplify things so we can understand them. Our brains categorize, label, reduce. But that can be incredibly limiting. The truth is: you never have to be “one thing” just to make yourself easier for other people to understand. Let them be confused. Let them wonder.

And to bring it full circle: sobriety is the thing that allows all of this.

Because I’m clear, I can navigate late nights out while rooted in myself. I can see what’s actually happening around me. I can hold my energy without getting swept up into the haze of a drunken night. I can enjoy it on my terms. And I can step into the spiritual realm with no hangover, no regrets, no fog.

Obviously going straight from a Vegas nightclub to a sacred cave in Mexico is an extreme example… but it’s also a perfect analogy for what becomes possible when you choose yourself with clarity and integrity. Your life naturally expands to hold the full range of who you are. This is where sobriety becomes a superpower. This is where you become multidimensional.

Let people be confused.
Be an enigma.
Give them something to wonder about.

It might just be the thing that leads you home to yourself.

XO,
Helena